| Monday, December 1st, 2003 |
| 12:00 pm |
i hate stuff
i really really do, even if kry calls me a pack-rat. this whole move is making me crazy. stuff everywhere, stuff to sort, stuff to pack, stuff to throw out. the idea of moving all this stuff is just to much for me. i am trying to weed threw it and get rid of as much as possible. what does one person needs this much stuff anyway? if it does not get used on a regular basis then there is really no need for me to have it. essentializing. . . that is what i am thinking of it as, surrounding myself only with what is necessary and really resounds with me. the whole idea of surrounding myself with myself.... just a clearer crisper concentrated image of me. all the excess, fringe, distractions will be thrown out. |
| Sunday, September 14th, 2003 |
| 9:39 pm |
in a very differnt mood
yes i am definitely in a very different mood than earlier today. work was actually quite nice, i had time to organize plans on things i will really enjoy spending my time working on. i am determined to get all i can from the experience of working there. and also to give of my interests and ideas, i want a continuity to all of my life. my work needs to be an extension of my authentic bekkaness. i wrote a email to my girl... but i think i would like to share with everyone the happiness that she brings to my world. sometime i can be sooooooooooo blind to just how lucky i am. i have to remind myself to be thankful for what amazing beauty is in my life. and she is definitely some of the most amazing beauty in my little world. here it is: and i love you, in your entirety. yes i seek some changes, the truth is . . . i love your focused energy, your adorable geekyness, the way you balance me out, your gentle nature, every curve of your body, the way you make me laugh even when i am fighting really hard not too, our playfighting, every little delicate touch between us... no matter how quick, long, soft, or intense, your words of wisdom, your words of absolute bizarreness, your zipper pants and black shirt uniform, your mini-lectures (which i often have no clue about) on whatever you are studying, how all the shoes you pick out are actually the same damn shoes, our homeyness.. dinners cuddling cleaning, i love absolutely everything... i find even your faults fucking adorable. i am fully willing to workout all of life's kinks and 'knots' WITH you, because i really love you!!!! |
| 11:09 am |
dreaming to much ...living to little
feeling like some stock quote, all loose at the ends and disconnected. i can hardly fill in the blank spaces with myself today. i just want to call in sick, hide under some covers and wait for next summer's sunshine. or my next dream. although half of my sleeping has been filled by melodramatic nightmares, of which i could do without. there is not much of me to share today. |
| Thursday, August 7th, 2003 |
| 9:28 am |
lucky me
i get to wake up to kry all curled up wearing only boxers and a sleepy look. her sweet deep breaths against my face her fingers against my side.... she makes me all tingly in the middle |
| Saturday, July 26th, 2003 |
| 9:15 pm |
BLECK
i am not feeling well... my belly has turned against me and my head doesn't feel like it was put on quite right this morning. i just wanta feel better so i can play and have fun like a bekka is supposed to do! |
| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003 |
| 9:18 am |
awake
and i am out of bed. although my girlie is still curled up pretending the world does not exist. maybe she is having dreams that she is a superhero. i kinda did, but don't tell her cause she would love that alittle to much. so in my dream alisara, some boy, and a teacher and i were climbing out on a roof to tend to the hundreds of sluglike creatures in the hundreds of aquariums that covered the roof-tops. i started getting scared of heights and headed back. then something or other happen and i was trying to run and hide from everyone, and they all had fuckin superpowers which made this incredibly difficult. so the boy could change forms to other boys and he could fly, and apparently ali could fly and do something else too. so i started running and then i decided to try and fly... which i could but i was really slow so i decided to hide in a locker. the boy was about to open it on me when i pushed against the locker back hard wishing i wasn't there and then popped through the back, yep i could go through walls..... and all this goes to prove i have been spending much too much time with krysten. her gamerness must be seeping out of her skin at night and into mine. it is creepy really. we may have to put her into isolation before she spreads her geekness across the world!!! |
| Tuesday, July 15th, 2003 |
| 9:57 pm |
right now i don't want to be a girl
i have this theory... so just hear me out. i think there are evil, and when i say evil i mean really evil think papercuts and stepping in poo evil. anyway there are these little evil elves that have found there way into my uterus and are refining their techniques of torture on me. now i know you are all thinking bekka is crazy but listen to this i have evidence. that is right i have evidence of this vicious plot of the tiny elves... they are making me bleed. there you have it case closed the tiny elves are bad, bad i tell you. |
| Monday, July 14th, 2003 |
| 10:08 pm |
new job smew job
so i have started my lovely new over 40hour schedule. . . and i think that a few of the male clients have crushes on me. but on to happier topics... my beautiful girlfriend woke me up with pasteries and a white chocolate mocha. see i knew there was a reason i kept her around, tee hee. really i am quite in love and am mystified that i will be getting to commit to another year with this wonderful complement to my world. |
| Monday, June 30th, 2003 |
| 5:57 pm |
O.K. THIS TIME I REALLY MEAN IT!!!!!
i am going to start writing in this thing. i am attempting to wrangle up some friends spread out everywhere to set up accounts and keep in touch through livejournal. i have a new plan. i am convincing keith to help me with it..... I am going to start an ebay store and call it "The Modern Pin-Up" and sell vintage clothes and girlie sorts of things, plus some of my girlie sets like: bathtime stuff and massage oils. I am going to have a website too. one that has a link to the store and also pics of pi-ups and profiles and the like. i start my new full-time job with benefits for BHR. that's right, i am a mental health counsler.......aren't you scared!!! and of course me and my sweet girlfriend krysten are getting handfasted. we will be having a reception in august and you all will be invited as soon as we pick the day!!! |
| Tuesday, February 25th, 2003 |
| 10:12 am |
just a blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
my anam cara my paully-bear come and gone like a blurrrr, and i feel abit numb-r than i should. detached from an overload. some kind of safety mechanism. because one can only take so much. so i don't get my hopes up. and realistically place him and his states away. and foresee my ali on the other side of the country. and know my marlece is knee deep implanted in the indiana soil. and all i wanted was to have those i love near me to be sharing our real-time lives with one another. and so shut down overload put me into some stationary state so i can keep up pretend things are how i would have them. i can stand alone, and i know i am blessed that i don't have to, i am fit together like puzzle pieces with a beautiful girl. she has known me only a year. these others have known me 9, 10, 15 years. and she stands beside them. tight. i want to wring myself dry. cry, shake, make love push this numbness away from me. feel something real. have something that i want, when so much is beyond my control. |
| Tuesday, January 21st, 2003 |
| 5:34 pm |
losing time in the warm hours poetry building between breaths the bridges that span our backs and paths against the downbeat of our fingertips |
| Wednesday, December 4th, 2002 |
| 9:47 am |
all i want......
MUTUAL passion sweet adoration trust and a merciless wonder attention focused on all the right sways |
| Thursday, November 21st, 2002 |
| 6:04 pm |
never giving in
for years i gave in to accepting less than i wanted. to agreeing to things that did not resonate within me. it has changed me. i can no longer passively accept that which is not somehow my own. and the simplest acts seem a affront to my strength of being. take out my piercings. state my religion, or pretend to abide by someone else's. lie about who i love. agree with the most ignorant of logics. become someone other than myself..... AND I REFUSE! i refuse to be a paper doll, a cookie cutter man, a robot, a replica. i know more now than ever what i need and what i want in my world, and i am accepting nothing less than that and i am never giving in! |
| Sunday, November 17th, 2002 |
| 5:05 pm |
thinking too much
spindley thoughts weaving together and apart i am trying to trace them somewhere like jagged stones puzzle-piecing together a path i am questioning the mud between what is holding it all together and the between becomes all consuming each speck of dirt leading me in a new direction so i am jetting here and there on an imaginary highway of thoughts |
| Tuesday, November 12th, 2002 |
| 2:18 pm |
where is my world?????
not much to say bekkaland has faded when i wasn't looking it seems as though i am living someone else's life or not living much at all |
| Thursday, November 7th, 2002 |
| 4:47 pm |
what if my voice had the power of an aphrodisiac, if it wove a spell, as quickly spoken as dreamed. i wish a wisdom to overtake me, a strength of spirit that broke through all congenial actions, all inherited boundaries. a fire swift as breath. i want to forge gracefully a gypsy butterfly, spellcasting magician, a beauty chasing bandit, carving into the world the impression of my swift spirit. |
| 4:10 pm |
i'll be under the blankets lost in the space between a numb mind and a secret wish |
| Wednesday, October 30th, 2002 |
| 2:53 pm |
Intimacy
“… hearts are the supreme mysteries in life, people meet, touch each other’s inner being with a shock and a feeling as if they had seen a ghost.”- Hearn Romantic. Breathe swallowing. Rushing headfirst into dizziness. Twining of fingers and figures and feelings. It pours out of you like this and washes over me. Wild and cozy wanted. Rising from within not coaxed out by another’s request. Poetry of a different kind. Hearts beating at the same rhythm. Feeling near. The most intimacy I have known is another knowing my soul and I knowing theirs. Across curves. Falling from every look. Heavy glances. Swimming in each other. Poetry the kind not only formed around words the kind sparked between breaths, under the nails, just behind a window. Transparent. The energy is different vibrations rising off, reflecting, resonating, mingling, copulating. Not one but somehow better than two. |
| Monday, October 28th, 2002 |
| 11:10 am |
things i like
things i like..... candlelit baths finding 20cent treasures at the antique store sunshine francesca lia block making love to my beautiful girlfriend anais nin hazelnut chocolates mazzy star swimming in the ocean warm chai bites just at my neck colette incense smoke watching dancers move indian food thrift-store hunting watching lightening sneaker pimps creme brulee garage sales receiving massages long open lips and deep breaths kisses my kitty napping on my lap tiramisu a good whipping walks in the forest anam cara's violins hot tubs having my hair pet tiny things poetry on random walls cloves |
| 7:58 am |
another morning
and what am i upset about? just an unease under my fingernails slipping in and out of this boredom like fog that creeps in when the lights dim under this mist looking for the edges of where i begin and i end and i begin and i begin |
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